Incredibly bored, and steadily growing weary, I am lost in a silent, blinded existence. I struggle to find the doorway to understanding. This bleak, sorrowful soul cries in the dark for a tiny ray of light.
I've chased my friends outward, so far away, until I can barely see them anymore. All because I've needed their help so desperately, to keep myself from drowning in life's pool of iniquities.
Doubtful there's time left to save this pathetic one.
Urgently necessary, is a revitalization, a renewal of hope, a calming love to hold me. Used up, are my favors, my second chances, my epiphanies. What remains, is but a shadow of my former self, grooved down in this well-worn rut. There seems to be no escape, no ropes, no ladders, no arms stretching to pull me up.
Why am I here? With possibilities and opportunities exhausted, new growth will not prevail this time around.
I'm poised to give up, give in, to hopelessness, unhappiness, fear, and sorrow. Self-pity has no value, since I drained that lake long ago.
Is this all there is to my living?
Sadly, I've given everything away, until there's nothing left for me. I never believed that could happen. But, I suppose, as with everything in life, there is a limit to resources. Strangely, I'm not too depressed--I'm just empty, and my vessel is old and rusty, cracked and leaking.
All is in vain!
Still, I'll continue to go through the motions like an near-sentient being. Roboting, what others need me to do and when.
All the while, my spirit is dying as my soul shrivels, while my heart turns into stone, for I have looked deeply into the eyes of Medusa...
I've chased my friends outward, so far away, until I can barely see them anymore. All because I've needed their help so desperately, to keep myself from drowning in life's pool of iniquities.
Doubtful there's time left to save this pathetic one.
Urgently necessary, is a revitalization, a renewal of hope, a calming love to hold me. Used up, are my favors, my second chances, my epiphanies. What remains, is but a shadow of my former self, grooved down in this well-worn rut. There seems to be no escape, no ropes, no ladders, no arms stretching to pull me up.
Why am I here? With possibilities and opportunities exhausted, new growth will not prevail this time around.
I'm poised to give up, give in, to hopelessness, unhappiness, fear, and sorrow. Self-pity has no value, since I drained that lake long ago.
Is this all there is to my living?
Sadly, I've given everything away, until there's nothing left for me. I never believed that could happen. But, I suppose, as with everything in life, there is a limit to resources. Strangely, I'm not too depressed--I'm just empty, and my vessel is old and rusty, cracked and leaking.
All is in vain!
Still, I'll continue to go through the motions like an near-sentient being. Roboting, what others need me to do and when.
All the while, my spirit is dying as my soul shrivels, while my heart turns into stone, for I have looked deeply into the eyes of Medusa...
I know this feeling too, Val, and I want to tell you that this too will pass. Perhaps this is how seeds feel in the earth .. numbness, darkness, isolation. Then the pain of change and breaking out. What I do know is when you get through this phase, something wonderful is waiting.
ReplyDeleteYou are very kind. This is a new phase for me. Losing loved ones, helping someone facing death, to embrace it. As with all 'firsts' in life, I'm unsure, and must follow my heart. I look forward to the enlightenment that waits ahead. Thanks.
DeleteP.S. Even as you write about roboting and going through the motions, your writing and your words say so much. I do hope you'll find the energy and will to come back and post more on your blog, soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nazneen, for the encouragement. This is a new phase for me. Death is such a mystery. I struggle to embrace it. But, I truly believe, it completes the circle of life. I hope to get back to my blog sooner than later. Thanks for reaching out.
ReplyDelete