I have waited such a long time. 8 years! I've saved. I have suffered. I am ready. The time has finally arrived for my oral surgery. They are calling me a "case study". As I understand it, I have an unusually small mouth, (I have been told the opposite), and a special procedure must be performed. This all will be "videoed", for them. For my part, then, I will only be charged half-price...about $12,000. All out of pocket, because, this is considered a "cosmetic" surgery. I would argue that point, if it would be heard by anyone who gave a damn. Personally, I consider eating a necessary component to living, but, hey, that's just me. Anyway, that is how it is classified by the insurance company...
So, cosmetic surgery....I think of breast augmentations, eye-lifts, and nose jobs. So, yeah..breasts. Are they necessary for survival? Well, that depends, I guess. And augmentation could improve others' outlook of me...but survival? And eyes...do we really need to see? Guess not. When you are something like 100, the insurance company will consider this necessary surgery for good eyesight. But, any earlier---cosmetic! Bogus! But...noses, breathing equals survival. A nose job---cosmetic. Oh, unless you have something like a deviated septum. Ok, that one probably is unnecessary otherwise. Fine lines maybe..
I am trying to make a point. Not all these procedures should automatically be considered unnecessary. But that's how the insurance companies do it nowadays. Somebody sitting at a desk with a red marker, scratches a big "Nope" on your request....
Insurance companies have become our enemies. Greedy. For all the premiums, I have paid through the years, I could have that nice vacation resort home on the Caribbean side of Mexico. Oh, wait, somebody does have my vacation home---it's someone in upper management of the insurance company.
Throwing oral surgery into the class of cosmetic surgeries is unfair. This is so expensive! Let's see, do I buy a new car, or do I have oral surgery? I could have two breast augmentations (4 boobs) for my half-cost dental work. I could have two nose-jobs for the same money. I could have two eye-lift surgeries (4 eyes), for what this is going to cost.....Wouch!
Ok, breathe. Just letting go of some thoughts.. I have no power over this...
This procedure is something I am so excited about. It will take six months to heal, to complete. Let's get this show on the road!! ...oh, and do you take a check? How 'bout my firstborn?
Friday, January 21, 2011
Winter Blahs
Finally, a day with nowhere to go...nothing on the calendar. Every Winter is the same in the Midwest--eventually. Well, for example, today, the sky and the ground are the same color. Were it not for the dark, sleeping tree skeletons on the horizon, it would be a complete white-out. The sun has forgotten me today. I wanted it so badly. I wanted colored sky and a gentle breezy movement. Instead, stillness...cold white stillness.
Two more months...really? Of this? Ugh! Usually my cabin fever doesn't even start until February. Another snowstorm is on the way---because the two this week already, apparently, weren't enough. There's a foot of the white stuff smothering everything out there. And it's cold. It will barely get out of the single digits. It might reach fifteen degrees. So? Once the dip goes below twenty, does it really matter? It's cold...dreary...depressing...uninspiring...unable to lift my spirits; downright mean to me---hurting.
Entertaining fantasies of living, actually living, in a warmer climate. I can envision a house. There's sun overhead. The only storm might be rain next week. Plenty of time to be outside before it comes. Walking, exploring, acting as if I don't have a care in the world. It's warm, and too bright! I go to the beach--lie on the warm sand. I search the horizon---not a cloud in the sky. I hike up to the hills. I sit for the longest time on a big boulder---wasting time---watching the world around me. All the empty gaps and spaces in me are filled with gratefulness for these gifts.
We are creatures of nature...her offspring. She is in control of us. We cannot plead a case with her. She has a mind of her own. Usually, she is more compliant, but in Winter, she is not reliable or dependable. Who is this impostor? What has she done with my mother, my friend---the real Mother Nature?
Tomorrow, back to the show. Acts I-II-III....work, eat, sleep, repeat.
I'll continue to search for the path to Spring. It probably includes an attitude adjustment. Can't do anything about it, might as well, just accept it, and find focus in creativity. Do some internal housecleaning. Meditate.
It's about finding the tools.
I used to be the Winter Girl. I loved it. It didn't bother me. It was all the same to me. The lines of seasonal definition were not important. Now, just shoot me! I have to go out? I have to do what? Come Spring....bring your bandages and ointment to soothe the winter blahs...find me somewhere lost in the the cold bitterness. I am frozen...surrendered to the brutal headmaster. Warm me, soften me, save me!
Two more months...really? Of this? Ugh! Usually my cabin fever doesn't even start until February. Another snowstorm is on the way---because the two this week already, apparently, weren't enough. There's a foot of the white stuff smothering everything out there. And it's cold. It will barely get out of the single digits. It might reach fifteen degrees. So? Once the dip goes below twenty, does it really matter? It's cold...dreary...depressing...uninspiring...unable to lift my spirits; downright mean to me---hurting.
Entertaining fantasies of living, actually living, in a warmer climate. I can envision a house. There's sun overhead. The only storm might be rain next week. Plenty of time to be outside before it comes. Walking, exploring, acting as if I don't have a care in the world. It's warm, and too bright! I go to the beach--lie on the warm sand. I search the horizon---not a cloud in the sky. I hike up to the hills. I sit for the longest time on a big boulder---wasting time---watching the world around me. All the empty gaps and spaces in me are filled with gratefulness for these gifts.
We are creatures of nature...her offspring. She is in control of us. We cannot plead a case with her. She has a mind of her own. Usually, she is more compliant, but in Winter, she is not reliable or dependable. Who is this impostor? What has she done with my mother, my friend---the real Mother Nature?
Tomorrow, back to the show. Acts I-II-III....work, eat, sleep, repeat.
I'll continue to search for the path to Spring. It probably includes an attitude adjustment. Can't do anything about it, might as well, just accept it, and find focus in creativity. Do some internal housecleaning. Meditate.
It's about finding the tools.
I used to be the Winter Girl. I loved it. It didn't bother me. It was all the same to me. The lines of seasonal definition were not important. Now, just shoot me! I have to go out? I have to do what? Come Spring....bring your bandages and ointment to soothe the winter blahs...find me somewhere lost in the the cold bitterness. I am frozen...surrendered to the brutal headmaster. Warm me, soften me, save me!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Crazy Train
I just heard "Crazy Train". This was my theme song in the '90's. I heard it in my sleep! What a crazy train I was riding during that decade. Life hit me fast and hard then. I took over running the restaurant, and eventually, the bar too. Crazy times...
I made huge decisions in the nineties. Mostly, the answers came as what was best for my kids then. It wasn't easy being on a train that was going off the rails. I juggled my life like balls in the air. I defined myself in hard work, and pleasing others. I went back to school with the idea of finally getting my degree, but then ended up just taking some classes. Three steps forward, two steps back. I think I read every self-help book published. I began journaling daily. What a heap!
Somehow, I made it through the tunnel to the light at its end. This, after years of doing "the work". I discovered the importance of forgiveness. I dug in my hooves and stood my ground. I learned to say "no". I had a huge lawsuit in the late eighties which empowered me for life! I lost everything in the eighties, and gained it all back, and more, in the nineties.
Choices I made back then, are still affecting me now. Time to review, to rethink, to retire the old ways....I want out of this boxcar...
I made huge decisions in the nineties. Mostly, the answers came as what was best for my kids then. It wasn't easy being on a train that was going off the rails. I juggled my life like balls in the air. I defined myself in hard work, and pleasing others. I went back to school with the idea of finally getting my degree, but then ended up just taking some classes. Three steps forward, two steps back. I think I read every self-help book published. I began journaling daily. What a heap!
Somehow, I made it through the tunnel to the light at its end. This, after years of doing "the work". I discovered the importance of forgiveness. I dug in my hooves and stood my ground. I learned to say "no". I had a huge lawsuit in the late eighties which empowered me for life! I lost everything in the eighties, and gained it all back, and more, in the nineties.
Choices I made back then, are still affecting me now. Time to review, to rethink, to retire the old ways....I want out of this boxcar...
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Laugh It Up
I checked out some other people's blogs, and nearly died laughing. There are some crazy-funny people blogging. Laughing is such a "reset" button. It has a neutralization factor, at the very least. It allows layered-up seriousness to vent, escape.
I enjoy an intimate giggle with a friend, or a side-splitting belly laugh with a crowd. Doesn't matter, the effect is the same, either way. It levels things out.
I've had some hilarious episodes and adventures in my life. But, the best ones, aren't things I could tell the world. Guess that's probably true for everyone. But, there is humor everywhere, surrounding us. I see it all around. Life is funny! People are funny!
We must laugh to get through things sometimes. I've laughed, giggled, snickered, cackled, yucked, snorted, and rolled on the floor in painful stitches, with a seized, frozen smile from ear to ear. That hurts, but the aftershockvalue is worth it. It is a release from pain, anxiety, fear. The brain takes a little vacation.
Go ahead, release some endorphins---laugh it up!! You'll feel better...guaranteed.
I enjoy an intimate giggle with a friend, or a side-splitting belly laugh with a crowd. Doesn't matter, the effect is the same, either way. It levels things out.
I've had some hilarious episodes and adventures in my life. But, the best ones, aren't things I could tell the world. Guess that's probably true for everyone. But, there is humor everywhere, surrounding us. I see it all around. Life is funny! People are funny!
We must laugh to get through things sometimes. I've laughed, giggled, snickered, cackled, yucked, snorted, and rolled on the floor in painful stitches, with a seized, frozen smile from ear to ear. That hurts, but the aftershockvalue is worth it. It is a release from pain, anxiety, fear. The brain takes a little vacation.
Go ahead, release some endorphins---laugh it up!! You'll feel better...guaranteed.
Squandering Our Youth
While we are young and still growing, we think in terms of, being accepted or fitting in--to the point of being like everyone else. We waste the energy of our youth on things that don't matter much. I'm generalizing, of course, as there are unique, driven individuals...young and focused, they, possibly, to the point of missing out. Still, both ends of the spectrum of youth-minded ones holds a shared question. "What do others think of me".
Once escaped from those meaningless bindings of youth, older, and yes, wiser ones now, we focus more on our individual talents and gifts. Our likes are often our creative places. What matters now, is creativity. But, hold on. Creativity requires the strength, the endurance of the young. We know exactly what we want to do....but, alas, we're too tired. The bod hurts and aches from just simple day-to-day living. That's just a generalization too.
Crazy! We finally figure out what we want to be, who we are, where we are, and what we'd like to accomplish...and we don't have the energy. We settle for whatever...sometimes.
Often as we age, we accept, or we actually like, doing things on our own--alone. Sharing everything with others, including thoughts and dreams, becomes something of a rarity. What matters most to me, is what I think, and I feel, and I do.
Having time to contemplate life now, and ponder over the content of my daily circumstances, provides a new perspective into spirituality, and soulfulness.
No longer do we care what others may think, but what we think of ourselves, becomes our reality.
In a nutshell, when we're young, we have all the vitality and powerfulness to accomplish anything, but we squander it. Older, we have the creative ideas, and answers, but lack the endurance and resilience...our brain is now our main tool--not our bodies. So...we think...we solve the world's problems...we know how to make a difference. Older and wiser. Time for us to delegate, and sit back, and enjoy how wonderfully intelligent we've become!
Once escaped from those meaningless bindings of youth, older, and yes, wiser ones now, we focus more on our individual talents and gifts. Our likes are often our creative places. What matters now, is creativity. But, hold on. Creativity requires the strength, the endurance of the young. We know exactly what we want to do....but, alas, we're too tired. The bod hurts and aches from just simple day-to-day living. That's just a generalization too.
Crazy! We finally figure out what we want to be, who we are, where we are, and what we'd like to accomplish...and we don't have the energy. We settle for whatever...sometimes.
Often as we age, we accept, or we actually like, doing things on our own--alone. Sharing everything with others, including thoughts and dreams, becomes something of a rarity. What matters most to me, is what I think, and I feel, and I do.
Having time to contemplate life now, and ponder over the content of my daily circumstances, provides a new perspective into spirituality, and soulfulness.
No longer do we care what others may think, but what we think of ourselves, becomes our reality.
In a nutshell, when we're young, we have all the vitality and powerfulness to accomplish anything, but we squander it. Older, we have the creative ideas, and answers, but lack the endurance and resilience...our brain is now our main tool--not our bodies. So...we think...we solve the world's problems...we know how to make a difference. Older and wiser. Time for us to delegate, and sit back, and enjoy how wonderfully intelligent we've become!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Coalescence
Blending, mixing, coming together, sharing yourself with others in creativity, engaging in conversation about everything...or nothing in particular, these express coalescence to me. I have coalesced. Let's coalesce. This word suits me, it fits.
What a great word. I do have favorite words. I'd like to write something and use all my favorites in one or two paragraphs, or a poem. That might be challenging, and fun. Coalescence would be included. Also, serendipity, whisper, rendezvous and rhapsody, to name a few. That will be for some other time. (And I'd have to make a list of the favorites---every time I'd think of one, I'd add it to the column. I'd have to have a lot of spare time on my hands, I reckon).
I do enjoy language. I like learning new words, then using them. I like running to the dictionary. It's kind of weird, I suppose, some would say...I would say.
I like to listen to conversations in other languages too...try to decipher what is being said. It's all very intriguing and interesting to me. Some times, I'll change the language mode on the TV to French or Spanish--you know, when I'm bored and all. Ok, so this is a rambling, maybe better left unshared...hahaha. I guess I can always delete...now that's a comforting thought.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year--New Beginnings
A new year...a new hope...
Each new year holds promises for new opportunities. Perhaps, chances to make things better. Many make resolutions for improvement. Shouldn't we all? I suppose I should think about it....
So, last year, 2010, was a pretty good year for me. I stepped out of my box a bit, and experienced some new things. I lost nearly thirty pounds, by working out. What a drudge at first. Ugh! I remember the first few weeks were hell. I didn't want to do it... But, after I got into the daily chore, I found it wasn't a chore at all. I looked forward to it--how it made me feel afterward--empowered, as if I could do anything. It kicked in my metabolism, and gave me energy I hadn't felt in years!
I got to see the birth of a baby! Such a awesome experience....it has impacted me forever! And, I have been graced by this child, watching him grow, change, learn, experience things for the first time. Maybe, I should adopt that perspective---seeing everything, as if for the first time. That may prevent me from falling in a rut, with the day-to-day routine. Perhaps, putting my eyes in a different place, would offer a fresh outlook on the same old mundane crap.
I reconnected with a couple of dear, dear friends from my past. Incredibly, the two, who do not know each other, live in the same city. The years had separated us---life got in the way---even so, it was as if we had never been apart. Though we live 2,000 miles apart, I hopped a plane and went to see my former roommate, whom I'd met in high school. She opened her arms and her home to me. She showed me the sights of Seattle. She took me sailing on a big boat...a first for me, where I observed the full moon rising over Seattle, the city skyline from Puget Sound. The moonbeams danced on the beautiful nightwater. I slurped all this view, and more, onboard the sailboat. We spent the night on the boat in the pouring rain. I met wonderful people everywhere I went there. Seattle---friendly, hip and enticing. I had a little fling there, with her. Seattle...she is in my heart!
My other friend, is like a breath of fresh air for me. Call him artist, teacher, listener, and so much more. His outlook on living is creative and exciting. Positive and supportive, he provokes me to deep thought...or can keep it light and funny. Of the many things he has shared with me, some have made me gasp---even left me speechless. This wonderful friend, is like no one I have ever known. Easily spontaneous, he lives for the very moment he is in. That is easier said than done, and though I don't do it very well, he has inspired me to keep trying, and appreciates even my tiniest effort. We do share a love of nature, of music, of soulfulness, of description. I feel special, very fortunate, to have been touched once again, by his friendship...
There were so many amazing days in 2010....I've journaled so much this past year!!
I am looking forward to 2011. I will try again, this year, to accomplish the goals I couldn't reach in the old year. I am happy and hopeful. Hope...a necessary component to any success?
Happy New Year!
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