Breaking Free

Good Morning, Thursday!  Thank you for coming with the brightness of the sun--giving me this smile today!  I am a little hatchling inside the eggshell yet.  There's a crack, that lets some outside light in.  I'm pulsing to break out and see the new world.  I am ready for whatever lies ahead of me, once I squeeze free of this container.  I've been patient, quietly listening, waiting for this day!  Now, I am new. I am fresh. I am ready!
OK, little brave heart, lead the way!

Come New Year

Here we are in the days between Christmas and the start of the New Year. Time has caught me reflecting today...mostly over this past year. A challenging year for my patience; still trying to understand life, as usual. I am humbled by this year. Forces greater, took me down to my knees. I am no match for powerful destiny, and so, I have cried "uncle" a few times.
Let me stretch far into the sky, be rid of the bindings of worldliness, fly above the treetops, soar freely with lightheartedness, and for a bit of a while, escape to a great fantasy land. There is no judgement, only acceptance. There are calm and peaceful breezes of colors swirling through my head and my heart!
I want to be rescued--taken away from the world down there--but, alas, this is only a wishful thought, and I must come back to touchdown soon. I will emerge a stronger one..after this tempest is gone...a regular Hercules!
New year...what do you hold in your unfoldings for me?
What can outdo the tribulations of 2011?  Little.
Through the chaos and havoc, bursts confidence, beauty, and possibly love. All experience helps us grow.
So, 2012, bring it on...ready or not...I will embrace whatever you present before me. I ache to stretch; desire to grow.

It's the Little Things That Count

For the first time, as long as I can remember, I had an incredibly wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday.  I usually dread any holiday, where family gets together. And up until yesterday, I was weighted with that preconceived notion--hoping the day would go by quickly, until such a moment when I could sit and put my feet up, toke a little, sip some wine--whatever presented itself as a means to blanking the brain, and filling the body, as with helium, to make it light and completely not giving a rat's behind about anything or anyone else..
My son built a smoker over the summer, and was anxious for everyone to try the deliciousness that is smoked meat. He was up at 4am, starting the fires. He prepared turkey and tenderloin, rubbed with a luscious concoction of spices, his own, then, cooked to perfection--the most tasty meats I have ever tasted...simply melted when it touched the tongue!
My daughter baked the loveliest pies, all made from scratch, crusts and all. Her two chocolate pies were just to die for...and barely enough of those two...but, she'd also made pumpkin pies and an apple pie. I am still so impressed by her natural skills!
My other son likes the unusual taste treats, and made the most spectacular appetizers---all extraordinary little delights. I could barely believe my mouth!!
Along with their families, and loved ones, my kids wowed me! They are the reset button in my crazy life. I am so appreciative of these people I raised.
So, what I was dreading---Thursday--absolutely was full of love and joy! Just a reminder for me, that no matter how impossible life seems, at times, there is light and happiness in my own backyard. My kids understand me, and just when I thought I couldn't go on...they were there giving me what I needed most---themselves!
I am deeply thankful for my such blessings...

The Troll Under the Bridge

Today, I am the troll under the bridge.  I am down below, in the dark, damp underneath of living.  The bridge I'm under is my own escape to brightness and lightness.  We all fall off our bridges sometimes...it's the cycle of life.  I don't like where I am in the circle though.  I am weary, and I am sick.  It takes a mindset to climb up the embankment, and I can't find that right now...
I can conquer any emotional train wreck, but, physical squatters leave me helpless, and at mercy.
Ugh!  This bridge above me creaks with the weight of the stress crossing it--a seemingly never-ending parade of troubles and setbacks.
Sometimes, we just need someone....someone to listen, to care, and to talk us through.  Yeah, even me...the tough little turtle troll, with her head in her shell for safe-keeping.  Ah...sweet tomorrow....come soon, and move me again to the pasture of sweet grasses, gentle rain, and rays of light from my star.

Some Space, Please

People need space.  Have I have smothered my friend?  Time for me to back off and let some time flow between us.  Where I live, in this little cut and dried existence, swirls an expanse of time and space.  Here, there are no limits.  But, for me to connect to what matters, I must leave my little box.  And this I have done.  I sought out this person.  For years, I wondered about him...where he was; how he was. Hopefully, I have not chased him away, with my boorishness.  He means the world to me!


He has given me countless smiles with his humor, and entertained me with his perspectives--so grounded.  He is creative, with an artist's perception and colorful insights.  How fresh and refreshing are his ways.  Generously, he has shared his world with me, and he even found my world interesting.  He has called me his muse, but, assuredly, he is mine.
  
His soul attracts my soul.  Our spirits have soared as one, over a great distance.  My heart loves him...all of him, which is why I must give him the space and time he needs...
  

If I Could Fly

If I could fly on a sunny day,
I'd watch my shadow on the ground,
Dance on treetops' gentle sway,
Then up through clouds, to look around.


Skimming waves, bluegreen and wide,
I am light, I am song without a care,
After resting, on the other side,
I'd flutter---up to those glories beyond compare.


Feeling whole, as one, with the powerful wind,
With the shadow-making sun on my back,
The sky becomes a tapestry, when sun-setting colors blend,
Sprinklings of stars appear above, as day slips into black.


Sailing-on freely, in moon's shadow light,
Sometimes, as a butterfly through a field of flowers,
Everywhere is beauty; perfect feasting for sight,
A humbling new experience of nature's solid powers.


Ready my wings just once, and once more,
So I may ascend on a sunny day... 
From mountaintop to beachy shore,
Let me fly away, fly away, find a new way...


vls 25/Jul/11

Opposite Attraction

I think it's a pretty widely accepted idea, that in relationships, opposites definitely attract one another.  Intrigued,  interested in another's views, and opinions, one becomes enlightened to perspectives and ideas not considered before.  Nutshell.  The reality is that, while all the magnetic attraction, at first, may spark personal stimulation and interesting personal growth, there's always the same bottom line--is there communication?  Without it, without it's skills, the attraction fades over time, and eventually, the relationship may slip into an overall unwillingness to understand.  There's no longer an interest, and unless, there is a desire to change, a breakdown in the relationship is inevitable.  Much more important than any opposite attraction; is the main attraction---communication!  Communication is the mortar that bonds the two within the forming foundation.  No matter how much an opposite attracts in the beginning, the only true lasting attraction, in a seasoned relationship, is sharing.  Sharing, whether through conversation, or the sharing of similar dreams and interests, allows intimacy to develop a splendid and unique connection...

Life's a Garden

Went out and picked green beans this morning between rain showers.  It's the first picking of them.  There are tons of small beans.  I need to get ready to can some this year.  I haven't canned garden stuff for years. Mostly I freeze what I want/need, and give the excess away to family, friends and seniors in the local area.

Carrots are long and skinny--about the size of a pencil--maybe a bit fatter.  Actually, they could start to be harvested.  Cabbages are forming small airy heads.  Couple more weeks for them, I suppose.  I would love to make some homemade sauerkraut, but didn't plant enough.  Broccoli is ready.  We have had some, and given some away.  Asparagus is done.  First lettuce is done.  New rows have been sown with spinach and lettuce...that's iffy, as it is probably now too hot to do any fine growing, unless I fashion some sort of shading for them.  Lot of work--worth it?  Eh....give it a shot.

Tomatoes are looking very strong, with lots of green globes.  I'm planning to can some of them, also, this summer.

Lavender.  My skills are improving perhaps.  I want to be a masterful herb gardener, but, keep screwing around and missing the mark.  I better stick to containers for my herbs.  That, I can do fairly well.

My flower/herb garden is showing some little sprouts---so late, but they'll do ok.

I like playing in the dirt.  Guess it comes from childhood.  It was the only toy I had!  Well, kidding...

Gardening is a way of life.  I have learned so much about life, just by immersing myself into cycles and seasons.  Growing plants and growing people are similar.  Both need care, love, trust and a good weeding!


 

And She Returns...

One might wonder, based on my last entry, if I actually survived the month of February.  Well, indeed.  I've worked through the cobwebs, and now stand undefeated!

Spring has been good to me.  Teasing with temps into the 90's on a couple occasions, fair amount of rain, leveling the ups and downs.  Six of seven gardens are planted.  And every row has sprouted into promises of production and yield.  The last garden untouched will be for herbs and flowers.  I'd like to do a little design.  Maybe concentric circles with a star design in the middle.  The plot is 50' x 50'.  Should be enough area to play with...though, I've never devoted an entire garden to such frivolity and fun.

Oh, and I've begun to find things that went missing in February.  Silly me, things were right where I put them!

The pool is open--though the water is cold.  It took days and days to clean.  I remember last Fall when I said, "I'll just wait and clean it in the Spring".  Never will I close it again, without a good cleaning.  Live and learn.

I'm halfway through an online writing workshop that deals with the different forms of poetry.  I used to think poetry was poetry.  I had my own particular "form".  The reasoning for taking it was to have something to do during hours upon hours of waiting for my husband to receive his chemo treatments.  I usually scribble and scratch thoughts onto paper anyway---the assignments would provide structure and function to my ordinarily undecipherable phrasing.  It is not easy!  I didn't bargain for deep thought processing.  I had hoped, instead, for inspiration with clause.

Ok, returned is the lost one--me; found myself again; and she's moving on....so relieved winter has passed, and summer is calling my name!

Wonky Month

February...is a wonky month.  I keep losing things.  I keep forgetting things.  This happens every year, right after January. Is it Spring Fever?  I wonder..
I try to figure out ways to do battle with it.  Traveling is a nice distraction.  I've tried New York City in February.  That worked one year.  But it was terribly cold and snowy...still, it helped break the spell.  And I was visiting people, so they did all the brain work...where to go, where to eat, how to get there, how to get back.  
Hobbies...boring in February.  Takes too much thought.  Self-improvement...what's to improve?  Kidding.  Now creativity, that is an outlet.  I just can't remember how to be creative indoors.  I have projects to do.  Well, they need to be done, but, no will--no way.
Working...sucks.  Need I say more?
The solution--stay on the surface.  Indulge myself in nature, snow and all.  Take a walk, make a snowman, snow angels in a big circle.  Just nothing that takes too much thinking...time is all I have.  Time to wait.  Tick tock...
Winter's grip won't release any other way.  I'm trying to cooperate...and be reasonable.
Hurry up March! Bring me some of that much needed magic of yours...
The countdown has begun!

Thoughts of Louie

For the longest time, I couldn't drive over the Clear Creek Bridge.  The anxiety was too great.  The old bridge has been replaced with a new one.  That's made it easier, but still thoughts of Louie capture my mind each time I approach it.  We will never know if my brother was alive or dead when his body was thrown over the rail on that bitterly cold, ice-stormed January night, so many years ago.
He was missing for six weeks, before he was found.  I visited the very spot sometime later with two of my sisters.  We made our way down the embankment, and saw the spot where he lay frozen dead.  I discovered a handwritten note placed at the depression in the sand.  All it said was "Sepulchura"...think about it....very, very curious.  That's all I can say of it, for now.  I crossed the bridge today and Louie flooded my heart with love, and my mind with wonderful memories.  I cried for the millionth time...

Cosmetic Surgery

I have waited such a long time.  8 years!  I've saved.  I have suffered.  I am ready.  The time has finally arrived for my oral surgery.  They are calling me a "case study".  As I understand it, I have an unusually small mouth, (I have been told the opposite), and a special procedure must be performed.  This all will be "videoed", for them.  For my part, then, I will only be charged half-price...about $12,000.  All out of pocket, because, this is considered a "cosmetic" surgery.  I would argue that point, if it would be heard by anyone who gave a damn.  Personally, I consider eating a necessary component to living, but, hey, that's just me.  Anyway, that is how it is classified by the insurance company...

So, cosmetic surgery....I think of breast augmentations, eye-lifts, and nose jobs.  So, yeah..breasts.  Are they necessary for survival?  Well, that depends, I guess.  And augmentation could improve others' outlook of me...but survival?  And eyes...do we really need to see?  Guess not.  When you are something like 100, the insurance company will consider this necessary surgery for good eyesight.  But, any earlier---cosmetic!  Bogus!  But...noses, breathing equals survival.  A nose job---cosmetic.  Oh, unless you have something like a deviated septum.  Ok, that one probably is unnecessary otherwise.  Fine lines maybe..

I am trying to make a point.  Not all these procedures should automatically be considered unnecessary.  But that's how the insurance companies do it nowadays.  Somebody sitting at a desk with a red marker, scratches a big "Nope" on your request....

Insurance companies have become our enemies.  Greedy.  For all the premiums, I have paid through the years, I could have that nice vacation resort home on the Caribbean side of Mexico.  Oh, wait, somebody does have my vacation home---it's someone in upper management of the insurance company.   

Throwing oral surgery into the class of cosmetic surgeries is unfair.  This is so expensive!  Let's see, do I buy a new car, or do I have oral surgery?  I could have two breast augmentations (4 boobs) for my half-cost dental work.  I could have two nose-jobs for the same money.  I could have two eye-lift surgeries (4 eyes), for what this is going to cost.....Wouch!

Ok, breathe.  Just letting go of some thoughts..  I have no power over this...

This procedure is something I am so excited about.  It will take six months to heal, to complete.  Let's get this show on the road!!  ...oh, and do you take a check?  How 'bout my firstborn?

Winter Blahs

Finally, a day with nowhere to go...nothing on the calendar.  Every Winter is the same in the Midwest--eventually.  Well, for example, today, the sky and the ground are the same color.  Were it not for the dark, sleeping tree skeletons on the horizon, it would be a complete white-out.  The sun has forgotten me today.  I wanted it so badly.  I wanted colored sky and a gentle breezy movement.  Instead, stillness...cold white stillness.

Two more months...really?  Of this?  Ugh!  Usually my cabin fever doesn't even start until February.  Another snowstorm is on the way---because the two this week already, apparently, weren't enough.  There's a foot of the white stuff smothering everything out there.  And it's cold.  It will barely get out of the single digits.  It might reach fifteen degrees.  So?  Once the dip goes below twenty, does it really matter?  It's cold...dreary...depressing...uninspiring...unable to lift my spirits; downright mean to me---hurting.

Entertaining fantasies of living, actually living, in a warmer climate.  I can envision a house.  There's sun overhead.  The only storm might be rain next week.  Plenty of time to be outside before it comes.  Walking, exploring, acting as if I don't have a care in the world.  It's warm, and too bright!  I go to the beach--lie on the warm sand. I search the horizon---not a cloud in the sky.  I hike up to the hills.  I sit for the longest time on a big boulder---wasting time---watching the world around me.  All the empty gaps and spaces in me are filled with gratefulness for these gifts.

We are creatures of nature...her offspring.  She is in control of us.  We cannot plead a case with her.  She has a mind of her own.  Usually, she is more compliant, but in Winter, she is not reliable or dependable.  Who is this impostor?  What has she done with my mother, my friend---the real Mother Nature?

Tomorrow, back to the show.  Acts I-II-III....work, eat, sleep, repeat.

I'll continue to search for the path to Spring.  It probably includes an attitude adjustment.  Can't do anything about it, might as well, just accept it, and find focus in creativity.  Do some internal housecleaning.  Meditate.
It's about finding the tools.

I used to be the Winter Girl.  I loved it.  It didn't bother me.  It was all the same to me.  The lines of seasonal definition were not important.  Now, just shoot me!  I have to go out?  I have to do what?  Come Spring....bring your bandages and ointment to soothe the winter blahs...find me somewhere lost in the the cold bitterness.  I am frozen...surrendered to the brutal headmaster.  Warm me, soften me, save me!

Crazy Train

I just heard "Crazy Train".  This was my theme song in the '90's.  I heard it in my sleep!  What a crazy train I was riding during that decade.  Life hit me fast and hard then.  I took over running the restaurant, and eventually, the bar too.  Crazy times...

I made huge decisions in the nineties.  Mostly, the answers came as what was best for my kids then.  It wasn't easy being on a train that was going off the rails.  I juggled my life like balls in the air.  I defined myself in hard work, and pleasing others.  I went back to school with the idea of finally getting my degree, but then ended up just taking some classes.  Three steps forward, two steps back.  I think I read every self-help book published.  I began journaling daily.  What a heap!

Somehow, I made it through the tunnel to the light at its end.  This, after years of doing "the work".  I discovered the importance of forgiveness.  I dug in my hooves and stood my ground.  I learned to say "no".  I had a huge lawsuit in the late eighties which empowered me for life!  I lost everything in the eighties, and gained it all back, and more, in the nineties.

Choices I made back then, are still affecting me now.  Time to review, to rethink, to retire the old ways....I want out of this boxcar...

Laugh It Up

I checked out some other people's blogs, and nearly died laughing.  There are some crazy-funny people blogging.  Laughing is such a "reset" button.  It has a neutralization factor, at the very least.  It allows layered-up seriousness to vent, escape.
I enjoy an intimate giggle with a friend, or a side-splitting belly laugh with a crowd.  Doesn't matter, the effect is the same, either way.  It levels things out.
I've had some hilarious episodes and adventures in my life.  But, the best ones, aren't things I could tell the world.  Guess that's probably true for everyone.  But, there is humor everywhere, surrounding us.  I see it all around.  Life is funny!  People are funny!
We must laugh to get through things sometimes.  I've laughed, giggled, snickered, cackled, yucked, snorted, and rolled on the floor in painful stitches, with a seized, frozen smile from ear to ear.  That hurts, but the aftershockvalue is worth it.  It is a release from pain, anxiety, fear.  The brain takes a little vacation.
Go ahead, release some endorphins---laugh it up!!  You'll feel better...guaranteed.

Squandering Our Youth

While we are young and still growing, we think in terms of, being accepted or fitting in--to the point of being like everyone else.  We waste the energy of our youth on things that don't matter much.  I'm generalizing, of course, as there are unique, driven individuals...young and focused, they, possibly, to the point of missing out.  Still, both ends of the spectrum of youth-minded ones holds a shared question.  "What do others think of me".

Once escaped from those meaningless bindings of youth, older, and yes, wiser ones now, we focus more on our individual talents and gifts.  Our likes are often our creative places.  What matters now, is creativity.  But, hold on.  Creativity requires the strength, the endurance of the young.  We know exactly what we want to do....but, alas, we're too tired.  The bod hurts and aches from just simple day-to-day living.  That's just a generalization too.

Crazy!  We finally figure out what we want to be, who we are, where we are, and what we'd like to accomplish...and we don't have the energy.  We settle for whatever...sometimes.

Often as we age, we accept, or we actually like, doing things on our own--alone.  Sharing everything with others, including thoughts and dreams, becomes something of a rarity.  What matters most to me, is what I think, and I feel, and I do.  

Having time to contemplate life now, and ponder over the content of my daily circumstances, provides a new perspective into spirituality, and soulfulness.

No longer do we care what others may think, but what we think of ourselves, becomes our reality.

In a nutshell, when we're young, we have all the vitality and powerfulness to accomplish anything, but we squander it.  Older, we have the creative ideas, and answers, but lack the endurance and resilience...our brain is now our main tool--not our bodies.  So...we think...we solve the world's problems...we know how to make a difference.  Older and wiser.  Time for us to delegate, and sit back, and enjoy how wonderfully intelligent we've become!  

Coalescence

Blending, mixing, coming together, sharing yourself with others in creativity, engaging in conversation about everything...or nothing in particular, these express coalescence to me.  I have coalesced.  Let's coalesce.  This word suits me, it fits.

What a great word.  I do have favorite words.  I'd like to write something and use all my favorites in one or two paragraphs, or a poem.  That might be challenging, and fun.  Coalescence would be included.  Also, serendipity, whisper, rendezvous and rhapsody, to name a few.  That will be for some other time.  (And I'd have to make a list of the favorites---every time I'd think of one, I'd add it to the column.  I'd have to have a lot of spare time on my hands, I reckon).

I do enjoy language.  I like learning new words, then using them.  I like running to the dictionary.  It's kind of weird, I suppose, some would say...I would say.

I like to listen to conversations in other languages too...try to decipher what is being said.  It's all very intriguing and interesting to me.  Some times, I'll change the language mode on the TV to French or Spanish--you know, when I'm bored and all.  Ok, so this is a rambling, maybe better left unshared...hahaha.  I guess I can always delete...now that's a comforting thought.  

  

New Year--New Beginnings

A new year...a new hope...

Each new year holds promises for new opportunities.  Perhaps, chances to make things better.  Many make resolutions for improvement.  Shouldn't we all?  I suppose I should think about it....

So, last year, 2010, was a pretty good year for me.  I stepped out of my box a bit, and experienced some new things.  I lost nearly thirty pounds, by working out.  What a drudge at first.  Ugh!  I remember the first few weeks were hell.  I didn't want to do it...  But, after I got into the daily chore, I found it wasn't a chore at all.  I looked forward to it--how it made me feel afterward--empowered, as if I could do anything.  It kicked in my metabolism, and gave me energy I hadn't felt in years!  

I got to see the birth of a baby!  Such a awesome experience....it has impacted me forever!  And, I have been graced by this child, watching him grow, change, learn, experience things for the first time.  Maybe, I should adopt that perspective---seeing everything, as if for the first time.  That may prevent me from falling in a rut, with the day-to-day routine.  Perhaps, putting my eyes in a different place, would offer a fresh outlook on the same old mundane crap.

I reconnected with a couple of dear, dear friends from my past. Incredibly, the two, who do not know each other, live in the same city.  The years had separated us---life got in the way---even so, it was as if we had never been apart.  Though we live 2,000 miles apart, I hopped a plane and went to see my former roommate, whom I'd met in high school.  She opened her arms and her home to me.  She showed me the sights of Seattle.  She took me sailing on a big boat...a first for me, where I observed the full moon rising over Seattle, the city skyline from Puget Sound.  The moonbeams danced on the beautiful nightwater.  I slurped all this view, and more, onboard the sailboat.  We spent the night on the boat in the pouring rain.  I met wonderful people everywhere I went there.  Seattle---friendly, hip and enticing.  I had a little fling there, with her.  Seattle...she is in my heart!

My other friend, is like a breath of fresh air for me.  Call him artist, teacher, listener, and so much more.  His outlook on living is creative and exciting.  Positive and supportive, he provokes me to deep thought...or can keep it light and funny.  Of the many things he has shared with me, some have made me gasp---even left me speechless.  This wonderful friend, is like no one I have ever known.  Easily spontaneous, he lives for the very moment he is in.  That is easier said than done, and though I don't do it very well, he has inspired me to keep trying, and appreciates even my tiniest effort.  We do share a love of nature, of music, of soulfulness, of description.  I feel special, very fortunate, to have been touched once again, by his friendship...     

There were so many amazing days in 2010....I've journaled so much this past year!!   

I am looking forward to 2011.  I will try again, this year, to accomplish the goals I couldn't reach in the old year.  I am happy and hopeful.  Hope...a necessary component to any success?

Happy New Year!